Me and my shadow

"Even a white rose has a black shadow. You might lose it in the dark, you might become it, but is something that will stay with you forever."

Being a normal kid has never come easy for me, I' ve always had struggles with numbers and letters. At the age of six my mom discovered that I had dyslexia and dyscalculia. Dyslexia and dyscalculia are brain disorders which can effect your language and math skills on a daily basis in a lot of different ways. With me it meant that reading was a lot harder, learning how to spell a word and grammar was difficult. Also numbers were a disaster I always read them wrong. For example; if it said on the paper 62 I read 26. Simple things like the names and order of the months, left or right and the times tables I could not remember. Infrequent orders or quickly changing patters always caught me off guard. If I was making arithmetic sums and it was divide by three times in a row and the fourth sum would be times 2, first off all I wouldn't even notice the change second of all my brain could not handle such a sudden change of rithm. In the summer were I would go from middle school to high school we could finally get it diagnosed which meant that some spelling errors wouldn't be looked at and that I had more time during tests. Dyscalculia is still very difficult to indicate whether a person truly suffers from it or not so to this day I still struggle with it on a daily basis.
But I've come to terms with it, I have accepted that this is something I will carry with my for the rest of my life and that it is just a part of me. Flaws make a person because you are more than you're mistakes. In the end I am even thankful for it, don't get me wrong I definitely do not consider it a gift but in the end it made me a fighter.

People used to consider me a shy person and a copy cat, which never improves ones self esteem especially when in puberty. I was in a group where I never really felt welcome, where I knew I did not belong. When I finally got out I felt relieved that I could end this chapter of my life and start a new one. That is when I truly started to change as a person. I began to trust myself and started doing things I could never have dreamed of doing. I made a plan, a plan of what I wanted to make of myself. life is not about finding yourself, it is about creating yourself.

The big frightening list:

1. step out of my comfort zone
2. be creative
3. say/do what I like
4. forgive those who have wronged me
5. accept/forgive myself

Step one

I genuinely liked my own little safe zone that I had created for myself, but I knew it was time to get out. I used to care so much of what other people thought of me but that makes life so much more tiering and less exciting. Constantly so focused on what to say or how to behave that I didn't do anything at all. In those moments I really hated myself. Why couldn't I just say something? However one day something clicked in me, I had had enough of my own self-pity. The decision was made that from that day on I would just engage with people. I still struggle with this on a daily bases. If I have nothing useful to say, I tend to just say nothing at all. Pushing myself is all I can do. So that's what I did/do. I went from being an introvert to an extrovert.

Step two

One perk of being dyslectic is that most of the time your creative side of your brain is more developed to compromise the loss of what it is missing. I love that part of me. Ever since I was little I've always been busy drawing, painting and doing crafts. I also love reading, writing, listing to music and dancing on it. I lost that side of me a little when I started high school, daily life and homework just took up all that time. Plus I got in contact with the internet and all that it has to offer. The internet undoubtedly killed my creativeness for a while. I hated that. So when I came to New York I jumped at every opportunity to be creative. That is why I started this blog for example, as for my second (photography) Instagram. I used the WWW to create and share with those interested. I got my motivation and urge to create back. 

Step three

In the past I never actually formed my own opinion I came to that conclusion when one of my teachers said to the class that we were all very easily influenced by what people tell us. I didn't like that. I realized that from that moment on I wouldn't judge people by there appearance, nor would I blindly believe what people tell me. If I would see beauty in something I would not wait for others to agree. And so I did. there are always three parts to a story, the one, the other and the truth. 

Step four

Have you ever noticed that it doesn't matter how many good things a person says to you, if they say one bad thing you will only remember that. I am not going to give examples since hurting people is not the intend of the letter, what I am going to give you is some advise. It is better to be remembered as a nice person than as a bitch. So be loving, trust me in the end they'll always choose a good person over an unkind person. So hereby I'll let go of all the frustrations and finally be free minded.

Step five

A very wise someone once said to me "How can others love you if you do not even love yourself, since how you love yourself is how you teach others to love you." Loving yourself is not about being perfect it is about admiring the imperfections, flaws make a person. Self love also begins with accepting your mistakes, stop dwelling in the past. Everybody has a chapter they don't read out loud. Even though I am never done evolving, I sometimes stop for a while and reflect from where I came and where I ended up. When I am happy with the result, I know I am on the right track to completely loving the person I am.

"Every one has a dark side, a shadow, however it is something that follows not leads."

Yours Faithfully, 



  1. Hi Elianne,
    You are a beautiful and amazingly strong person. You are, what you see and the world is, as you think it to be. :)


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